- This is how you fall out of love
- No one ever mentions the hardest part
- This is how you lose her
- To all the men whose love goes unreciprocated
- Texts I almost sent you
it will not be at 3 am in someone else's arms and it will not be when you throw the box of pictures and letters and memories across the room because they're gone now. They are gone now and you can't do a thing about it. this is how you will fall out of love, it will be slow and it will be painful, like slowly tearing a band-aid off, except worse. It will be gradual, like the first time you realized you were falling into love. You may be walking down the hallway of your home when you forget what their nose looks like. There will be flashbacks and times where you imagine them to be right next to you at anytime. You will smell the cigarette smoke and look around, because that used to be them. A stranger will smile at you and you will wish they weren't around to see you cry. this is how you will fall out of love, when you realize you used past tense to talk about them. This time you did not have to correct yourself and you did not cry. There will be stormy nights and you will want to text them, "I miss you" but you don't. You don't because it's time. It's time and you both know it and even though it hurts, you make the decision to turn out the lights and fall asleep alone. this is how you will fall out of love, you will see someone and think they are cute and you will not feel shame because you saw someone that was not them. You will find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror, with water dripping off of your freckled skin, right after your shower. You will connect your freckles and pinch your love handles and you will close your eyes and you will remember all the times they held you, but you will not miss them. You will allow yourself this one night of no regrets, this one night of not missing them, this one night of being alone and knowing you're worthy, because there have been so many nights harder than this one. this is how you will fall out of love, you will finally forgive them for keeping that from you. It will be less about forgiving and more about forgetting. You will stop blaming yourself, you will stop imagining a future where you meet ten years down the road in a coffee shop or a punk show where your favorite band is playing, and you start over. There is no starting over. You know this is the end. You know it won't happen again. this is how you will fall out of love, there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights, but one day you will drift off to sleep and you won't dream of them. It will be hard and it may take seven months or a year or three years but you will fall out of love with them and it will hurt and you will hold them in your knees like grass stains that don't wash out and you may forget their face and you may forget their name but they are a part of you now. You will fall out of love with them and they will fall out of love with you and you will forever see love differently. You will forever see God differently. You will talk to the Divine like they are human, like they are broken, like they have loved and lost it all, too. this is how you will fall out of love, you will remember that you could never promise forever and you will realize that this was good for as long as it lasted. Your love was fresh and pure until it ran out. You will understand that it did not need to last forever, it did not need to become stale.
Of ending a long term relationship. It's not the initial shock and sadness, it's not the months of forcing yourself to go through the motions until you feel normal again. It's not the dividing of the things or the moving out of your shared space. It's the inside jokes you'll never get to laugh at again. The jokes that don't even register in your mind until someone else says the setup phrase and you automatically reply, getting only a confused look from them. It's the things you want to say, the comfort you want so badly to have back, when you're starting up something with someone new. It's the uneasiness of going through the newness again. It feels wrong to have to do it over, you've already done it once, and it's been years since you've been here. These things aren't painful, but they are old habits that take such a long time to break. Some people make the same jokes to new lovers, hoping they'll catch on and not much change will be needed. I find that to be cheap and dishonest. But it's so very tempting. You've already had the conversation, you know both sides of the joke, they just need to fill in the blanks. What needs to be remembered is that there will be new jokes, new tender moments and new fresh excitement and adventure ahead. Clinging to the past lends itself to living there, and the only people who reside in the past are ghosts.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger's voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. You must remember when she forgets. You lose her when you don't notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you're about to ask a question but you think anything you're about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don't even know about yourself, because she pays attention. She remembers when you forget. You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good. You must learn her. You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.And this is how you keep her.
Hello from all the girls who never meant to bruise your fragile chest, the place caged emotions are kept with store-bought locks when you aren't ready for a safe. I am sorry for the torture, the late night talks where my thoughts leaked from between my fingers, trickling drops of brain matter; you were shoved into a river without knowing how to tread water. I have a confession. It was me. I pushed you. I apologize for wanting desperately to be loved by someone, for taking your care and wrapping it up for myself as if it were my birthday and admiration my present. I wanted to feel accepted. You're kind and rarely judgmental. I don't deserve the relationship I have with you. You're not a creep and no, you're not a bad person, either. Quit saying it. Quit thinking it. You're beautiful and human, full of life and spirit you don't realize you possess and it makes me sad to watch you struggle while I selfishly cling to our friendship. You're my raft and I need you like the air I breathe. Sometimes I lay awake in bed with night bent over my body, dark encroaching my private space, and wish I could have loved you romantically...but we don't fit that way. You're sudoku and I'm a crossword. So we're both puzzles, yeah. But we can't be filled out in the same manner. I wish I could lead you in the right direction. If only I knew the perfect someone to introduce and complete that bit of you that thinks I'm it, but I know deep down you're still searching because you can feel we just aren't right. Please don't jump off the cliff just because it's there; you see a giant, but I know you're only looking at the shadow. It's not as big or scary as you think. You can be compatible with more than one person. There's somebody out there looking for you, too.
I hope you're okay. [delete] Does this hurt as much for you as it does for me? [delete] I left a night robe there, you know the silky black one that you liked. Can I have it back to impress other men? [delete] You told me I was beautiful once. I tried to say it to myself in the mirror but the words felt all wrong without your mouth around it. [delete] Nothing feels right without your mouth around it. [delete] My mother told me that if I repeated words over and over again, they'd lose all meaning. It was my favourite game to play. [delete] I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. [delete] I'm so tired. Always tired. But my bed feels like the Mariana Trenches of the ocean and I cannot swim and am afraid of the dark. [delete] I told you before I left that I would miss your apartment. I couldn't bring myself to tell you I would miss everything else that makes you, you. [delete] I hate myself for leaving so quickly. [delete] I wanted us to work so badly. I still do. [delete] What colour is the Telstra tower? [delete] Actually don't tell me, it'll hurt too much knowing how close you are. [delete] I got up early to watch the sunrise to remind me there's still colour in the world, but it was cloudy and the sky shifted from dark, to grey to oh shit it's the morning. [delete] I'd be lying straight through my teeth if I said I knew what I was doing. I need you to help me but you're the last person I can reach. [delete] 7:44am: you're probably at the tram stop on Bourke St on your way to work. It's Monday, does today remind you of me? I hope it does. [delete] I spend most of my days sleeping in hopes of seeing you in my dreams but they've become bleak dark places. [delete] I love you. [delete] You let me explore your body and I found out it's where I belong. It's only been three days and I'm already homesick. [delete] It was the first time someone mentioned you today and I didn't cry. I don't know if that means I'm getting over you or if it's just because the world only comes in shades of grey. [delete] I can't bring myself to tell my mother that we've broken up. [delete] I used the phrase "ex-boyfriend" today to refer to you. It felt so uncomfortable and foreign, I had to go throw up before I could do anything else. [delete] Or maybe it was the wine. [delete] I'm so afraid that Tuesday will be the last time I see you ever [delete] I don't think I've ever had so many bad nights. [delete] Goodnight, I love you. [delete] Goodnight, I love you. [delete] Goodnight, I love you. [delete] Goodnight, I miss you. [delete] I'd like to think that you'd already had my birthday planned out to a tee but that's probably not true. You planned our breakup more than you planned me. [delete] Some days I feel so far from "I am okay" that I wouldn't even know what to call me. Broken? Lonely? Sad? Why don't you decide. [delete] I'm sorry for accidentally texting you. I should probably write all my "texts I never sent you" here instead of in our text conversations. [delete] You must hate me. [delete] If you saw me now, you'd probably think I'm pathetic. [delete] 3:29am, it's hard to sleep without hoping to hear your little snores. [delete] I want to feel you hard against me. [delete] 2/12: On this day you've been friends with him for two years! Fuck you Facebook. [delete] It's my birthday tomorrow. Will you remember? Of course not, Facebook will tell you. [delete] I always thought I'd be spending tonight with you, up late in bed thinking about the world. Instead I'm alone, in my own bed, thinking about you. [delete] Happy 11:11! What's the point in wishing when you know you're not going to get what you want? [delete] I've spent the last three days in bed muttering "I want to go home." [delete] I hate that you've got this hold on me I can't shake. I can't help but feel guilty for thinking about other men the way I used to, I still do, think about you. It hurts to know that I can't act on these thoughts, that you would not enjoy me the way you once did. [delete] It's only been three weeks and I'm already finding it hard to remember your face. I couldn't tell you what you smell like, or the colour of your eyes. I could tell you so many other things, like how you would skim over the paper with your pen before writing, or the direction the little hairs between your eyebrows grew. [delete] You say that you care about me and that you think about me, but does that mean you really miss me? I don't think so. [delete] "Active now", "Last seen 3 minutes ago", "Read at 10:23". Taunts. [delete] If you're waiting on a text from me, it isn't going to happen. I'm trying to get over you, but you're also the first person I want to tell. [delete] I fucking miss you. [delete] I'm in bed with a boy and all I can think about is how much better it feels to be in your arms. [delete] Merry Christmas. I hope you don't feel as lonely as I do. [delete] I'm officially missing you. [delete] Happy New Years! I guess no message is still a message. [delete] I'm handling all of this terribly. [delete] It's been six weeks and it seems like you're over me. Some days I still can't mention you without crying. [delete] You can say that you don't miss me anymore but please, for the love of God, please never say you don't love me anymore. I don't think my soul could handle it. [delete] I took you off my favourites list today. You can't haunt me in my sleep anymore. [delete] My friends keep telling me how well I've been doing since we broke up but they don't see the sleepless nights filled with anxious, lonely tears. [delete] I fucked up. I'm sorry. [delete] I'm just about to get off at my stop. Can I call you to feel safe? [delete] It's been two months since we had a proper conversation and there are still days where I fucking miss you. I hate those days the most. [delete]
Unsent Letters is a collection of posts from reddit.com/r/unsentletters where users can submit letters they have written but will never send.The following is the description provided by the forum: "We've all had times where we've wanted to spill the beans to someone, be they bad or good, but never did or can't for whatever reasons. Post a letter here, whether it's a Thank You note or something not so happy. Letter to an ex? Mad at the parents? Roommates getting to you? Thankful but can't express it? This is the place to say what needs to be said." On this webpage, I have showcased five of my favorite letters from the forum. Each letter carries the theme of love, specifically the themes of falling out of love, lost love, and unrequited love.